14 ‘Vintage’ Beauty Tips
Want to look all vintagey this weekend? Of course you do! I wouldn’t follow these tips though, although they genuinely used to be a thing.
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1. Rub black grapes on your lips to give them color.
The Los Angeles Times reported in 1891 that “pale lips can be induced to show color by friction with black grapes.” They didn’t specify whether to cut the grape in half or just rub the whole thing. We tried both and decided the cut-in-half method was better, because it tasted good.
You probably could rub anything on your lips for two minutes to induce color, but I thought this worked particularly well. It was moisturizing and tasted like all natural Lip Smackers.
2. And plump up thin lips with vowel exercises.
A prominent vocal specialist writing in the St. Louis Dispatch warned American women in 1900 that “mere plumpiness is not beauty.” Facial mobility was key. Undeveloped lips were both ugly and often a sign of a “selfish, narrow, mean, revengeful, and censorious” character.
Ugly, mean, revengeful, and selfish? Clearly, we needed to do these exercises: “Hold the lips open with the fingers, keeping the tongue and walls of the mouth and pharynx rigid, then try to utter the vowel sounds.” Ten sets, at least ten times a day.
It was like that old Chipmunks song — “Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!” I think our limps plumped out a tiny bit, and all the pressing and pursing did make them redder.
3. Beautify your elbows with grapefruit.
Lina Cavalieri wrote that “your arms are only as pretty as your elbows,” so we followed her recommendation to “rub them every night before retiring with a half grape fruit” and thereby rid them of “disfiguring redness.”
Repeat this daily, she said, but “do not be satisfied with this progress.” You can always do more: scrub with a pumice stone, use a bleaching soap or diluted peroxide, or, as Lina added, “an ingenious girl I know bound slices of lemon on her elbows every night before going to bed.”
This tip actually makes sense because of the citric acid in grapefruit; it smells a little different, but this was basically like bleaching our elbows with all-natural Mr. Clean or Cascade. But the grapefruit splattered everywhere, and then I wished I’d paid attention to the next part of Lina’s advice: “If you place the halves of the grape fruit on a table and rest your elbows in them you can read or chat or meditate.”
4. And use mutton fat to plump up bony elbows.
Lina promised that a tallow massage will round out these “sharp bony corners.” And it’s true that animal fat is an obvious (if gross) moisturizer. In fact, I’d say tallow is making a comeback today.
Paleo people revived the cooking-with-lard thing and now all sorts of animal fat can be found in alternative beauty treatments. There are lotions and creams made from tallow of all sorts — beef, sheep, even buffalo. There are also recipes for pork fat (lard) soaps. One urban homesteader skipped the whole process and just rubbed pork lard straight into her sensitive skin.
I went the farm-to-elbow route and skipped the whole rendering suet process, and just grilled a lamb chop. I greased up my palms and rubbed a fatty piece on my elbow. Other than the little specks of meat, I thought it was a decent moisturizer. I could definitely imagine hipsters buying lavender-scented mutton fat at farmers markets.
5. Do hand exercises to help develop feminine charm.
“Of all the gamut of feminine charms there is nothing more appealing than a smooth well-cared-for hand,” Annette Kellerman wrote in 1918 in her delightful book Physical Beauty, How to Keep It — which I’ve explored before.
She recommended pressing the little finger tightly against the thumb, then reaching the thumb past the lifting finger on either side in turn. And the great thing about hand exercises is that you can do them while lying on the couch. So we did that.
This didn’t seem like a bad idea to cure texting-claw. Some of what Annette calls “graceful contour and suppleness” could be useful after a day of typing and tapping.
6. Try cocoa butter massages to cure a scrawny neck.
In 1913, a beauty expert named Winifred Raymond explained that “the continued popularity of the collarless blouse makes the possession of a good looking neck something very much to be desired.” In other words, a whole new part of the body to worry about!
All of a sudden, hundreds of different exercises, creams, and breathing regimens — from a diet of raw eggs and milk to daily scrubbing — promised to beautify the neck. Massage was the most popular cure for an “ugly” or thin neck. We followed Winifred’s neck massage instructions carefully:
1. Heat cocoa butter in a saucer over a cup of hot water.
2. Rub into neck with a gentle rotary motion.
3. Pay special attention to the area under your ears because it “indicates the scrawnyness that comes with age.”
The cocoa butter was greasy, but smelled great. We weren’t sure why four minutes were necessary — it felt like a long time to work out your hands and choke yourself a bit. Today, two-minute commercial break increments would be better.
7. Steep your feet in a rosemary bath.
Lina wrote in 1914 that one way to “give ease to your feet after a long walk” was to bathe them in an infusion of rosemary leaves for 20 minutes in a foot-tub.
If your feet are inclined to excessive perspiration, Lina says you can add tannin, alum, and lycopodium (???). Luckily, my feet are not so inclined, so I didn’t have to. Rosemary is like a weed around here in California, so I went down to my pool and harvested it on the sly.
We steeped for twenty minutes. It was hard to sit still for that long. But at least we steeped together! My friend Gail (above) had a nice time, too. She said, “If I had a valet to draw a bath for me, I would do it every day.”
8. Use cooked cucumbers to thicken your eyebrows.
The 1902 advice was to bathe your eyebrows once a day with this recipe: slice a fresh ripe cucumber, add an ounce of cocoa butter, and heat in a porcelain-lined kettle. When it’s halfway cooled, add three drops of rose attar.
I have no idea why it smelled so bad. Cucumber smells good and cocoa butter smells good — but together? My apartment smelled like dank squash.
Experts today say cucumber slices can reduce puffiness through some some combination of antioxidants and the chill of the cold cucumber slices. My lukewarm, cooked cucumber only got us halfway there. Maybe if we had puffy eyebrows, the slices would have reduced swelling?
9. Pretend your ears don’t exist.
“There is no such thing as a pretty ear in all the world,” the Chicago Daily Tribune warned American women in 1905. “It is one of the ugliest organs of the body, unless it is flawless, thin, and regularly convoluted, with delicate, soft tinted lobes.” One writer called ears “deformities.” Another said earrings often only “intensify their ugliness.”
Ears were such deformed, ugly organs that none of these experts really offered a cure. Some said rouge on the lobes helped. But mainly they just prescribed ways to hide or prevent these deformed appendages: ear bandages, ear flatteners, ear slings, ear rolls, ear puffs, something called a “small pompadour rat” that hid the ear under ear curls.
Our ears weren’t going anywhere and we couldn’t make them less ugly; we just had to tolerate them as-is. So we resorted to the most useful beauty tools in the book: resignation and acceptance.
10. Try horseradish lotion to subdue freckles.
A lot of beauty manuals called for horseradish milk for freckles or a tan (pale skin was in back then). I chose a recipe in something called the Home Needlework Magazinefrom 1908: Scrape a teaspoon of horseradish into a cup of sour milk, let it stand for 6 hours, then bathe the face in it three or four times a day.
Horseradish is surprisingly not wasabi-colored. Even after I bought the giant brown root, I figured it was like a gobstopper and expected something a little bit green-ish. Instead, it’s white and soft, like a spongy jicama.
Turns out that horseradish doesn’t make your face pale, it just turns it red. And stings really badly!
My skin instantly reddened, but not in a bad way. More like I had stuck my head out a car window. My cheeks were blushed, my lips plumped up, and I can’t deny that my nose and forehead looked way paler in comparison.
Between the smell and the stinging, it felt like I was doing something important. The pain felt productive, like putting hydrogen peroxide on a cut or getting my eyebrows waxed.
11. Another freckle remedy: lemon juice, vinegar, rum, and rose-water.
The 1908 Receipts and Remedies: Useful Hints for Everyone on Health, Beauty, Clothing, Food contains 10 different remedies for freckles, including “rubbing a child’s face with lemon juice” before going into the sun. Or mixing ammonium chloride and distilled water to “mop on the face.”
I chose this remedy: “lemon juice, three ounces; vinegar, one ounce; rose-water, one ounce; bay-rum, one ounce,” to apply several times a day.
No immediate result, but it didn’t do any harm! We smelled vinegar-y, which is actually not a bad scent.
12. Try eye gymnastics to make your eyes larger and brighter.
“If your eyes are little, flat-looking, and deep set, do not despair,” Lina wrote in her 1911 newspaper column. “You may greatly improve them by exercises.”
Ceiling-gazing was apparently the cure for too-deep-set eyes; you do this by looking straight up for a second, then gazing down at your knees. If you wanted larger or fuller eyes, first stand with your back to the light. Then hold your face stationary, turn your eyes right, forward, and then reverse. Shift your glance. Repeat up to 20 times.
Harder than it looks! Moving our eyes around felt strangely expressive, like a dance. Maybe eye gymnastics are actually a way to improve how we communicate? But they didn’t look any bigger.
13. Give yourself a gasoline rinse for soft hair.
I admit, I had my misgivings about this one. In 1914, Lina Cavalieri reported that “Parisiennes have recently been washing their hair in gasoline.” Why? “Gasoline makes the hair soft and silken of texture.” She offered specific instructions: “I wash my hair in a bowl of the gasoline, pour out the first bowlful and wash it through another, then another, until the last bowlful is entirely clean.” But “gasoline is most inflammable,” she warned, so don’t do it if there “is light or fire in the room.”
This was obviously a dumb idea, but I did it anyway! First, I went to my local Valero to harvest some 87. I planned to add a few drops to a bowlful of water, but the fumes were way too strong for the bathroom. I ran out to the balcony and tried to just dip a braid into it. I barely got one dip into one braid and hit a wall. It fumed so bad, and I almost instantly felt the twin pains of a massive headache and the embarrassment of knowing that I only had myself to blame.
Maybe Lina’s 1914 gasoline was different? I asked a friend who used to work for ExxonMobile. He didn’t know about gasoline shampoo, but he did say that “gasoline is safer to drink today.” Apparently, lead used to be a common additive to boost octane ratings until the 70s. So now I understand why gasoline is called “unleaded.” I do not understand how anyone (even French women!) could possibly recommend putting gasoline in your hair.
14. Or try raw egg as a shampoo.
The easiest shampoo suggestion I found was almost too simple: a beaten egg. A 1906 book titled My Lady Beautiful: Or, the Perfection of Womanhood gave the following instructions: “no better cleanser can be found than an egg — white and yolk beaten together — applied to the scalp. Before making the application the hair should be taken down, combed and parted from the front to the back of the neck and braided in two parts.”
So Ruthie braided my hair, I beat the egg, and Gail did the honors and poured egg into my scalp. I actually replaced my regular shampoo with raw egg for a week and it was OK! My hair felt coarser, almost gritty. Beach-y, if I was to be generous. I could imagine using it before needing to style my hair for extra grip….but I probably won’t.