28 Reasons You Should Never Travel To Germany

Germany, ugly little place isn’t it…

1. Rural Germany is just plain ugly. Take the town of Erfurt as an example… All these gray prefabricated houses with their way-too-small apartments.

Rural Germany is just plain ugly. Take the town of Erfurt as an example... All these gray prefabricated houses with their way-too-small apartments.

The old town of Erfurt.

2. And often those old buildings don’t even have proper windows! Looks awfully drafty to me.

And often those old buildings don't even have proper windows! Looks awfully drafty to me.

The Cathedral Castle.

3. It’s all high-rises. Nothing special.

It's all high-rises. Nothing special.

Dominican church.

4. There’s so little space in those little towns that they’ve resorted to just building their houses on top of bridges.

There's so little space in those little towns that they've resorted to just building their houses on top of bridges.

The Krämerbrücke over the Gera.

5. But it’s not like anyone in towns like Erfurt want to look at those gross little rivers anyways. I hear they’re all totally poisonous and toxic. Avoid at all costs.

But it's not like anyone in towns like Erfurt want to look at those gross little rivers anyways. I hear they're all totally poisonous and toxic. Avoid at all costs.

Houses on the Gera

6. Nights in Erfurt and dark and grim, which I suppose is good, cause it keeps you from seeing how ugly it truly is.

Nights in Erfurt and dark and grim, which I suppose is good, cause it keeps you from seeing how ugly it truly is.

Festival of lights in Ega Park.

7. Because it’s not like there is anything spectacular to see there.

Because it's not like there is anything spectacular to see there.

Erfurt Cathedral.

8. The little cities are all dying out because nobody ever visits them. I’m not even sure that trains run to many of them anymore.

The little cities are all dying out because nobody ever visits them. I'm not even sure that trains run to many of them anymore.

Old city of Erfurt.

9. Everyone in these small towns just sits around bored most evenings. Nothing to do. Nothing to see.

Everyone in these small towns just sits around bored most evenings. Nothing to do. Nothing to see.

Walpurgis Night on the cathedral square.

10. And let’s not even get into the holiday markets. Totally skippable. It’s all just bad techno and watered down mulled wine.

And let's not even get into the holiday markets. Totally skippable. It's all just bad techno and watered down mulled wine.

Christmas market.

11. There’s just nothing special about these small towns in Germany.

There's just nothing special about these small towns in Germany.

Erfurt Cathedral.

12. Erfurt, for example, is gray on more gray. The town matches the weather.

Erfurt, for example, is gray on more gray. The town matches the weather.

Erfurt north.

13. The summers are dull…

The summers are dull...

North beach.

14. … and the winters are rainy and dreary. Germans living the the middle of the country only know of snow from stories they’ve heard.

... and the winters are rainy and dreary. Germans living the the middle of the country only know of snow from stories they've heard.

15. People in these small towns have the most boring traditions in the world. Total lack of culture.

People in these small towns have the most boring traditions in the world. Total lack of culture.

Duck races on the Gera.

16. Nothing exciting ever happens.

Nothing exciting ever happens.

Street races in Erfurt.

17. There are no venues…

There are no venues...

Centrum-Club.

18. …no theater scene…

...no theater scene...

Cathedral steps festival.

19. …and no sports scene.

...and no sports scene.

Speed skating World Cup in the Gunda Niemann-Stirnemann Hall.

20. It’s not like anyone famous or well-known has ever travelled to any of these small towns. Definitely not Erfurt.

It's not like anyone famous or well-known has ever travelled to any of these small towns. Definitely not Erfurt.

Collegium Maius at the old university in Erfurt, where Martin Luther studied.

21. Oh and definitely don’t bring your kids to Erfurt. Or anywhere else outside the major cities, for that matter.

Oh and definitely don't bring your kids to Erfurt. Or anywhere else outside the major cities, for that matter.

The children’s station Kika broadcasts from Erfurt.

22. They’ll be bored to tears.

They'll be bored to tears.

Ega Park.

23. There’s absolutely nothing for them there.

There's absolutely nothing for them there.

Every child receives a faba bean puppet when they are born in Erfurt.

24. And don’t expect to find any fine dining experiences. You’re better off bringing something along from home.

And don't expect to find any fine dining experiences. You're better off bringing something along from home.

Thuringian dumplings.

25. Look! They can’t even make sausages that fit on buns! What a joke.

Look! They can't even make sausages that fit on buns! What a joke.

Thuringian sausage.

26. Don’t bother getting up early for the sunrises. It’s always the same view.

Don't bother getting up early for the sunrises. It's always the same view.

27. And maybe you’d expect beautiful, romantic sunsets. But not here. Never here.

And maybe you'd expect beautiful, romantic sunsets. But not here. Never here.

28. If you go to Germany, you’re better off just sticking to the major cities. You’ll have a much better time.

If you go to Germany, you're better off just sticking to the major cities. You'll have a much better time.

View of the old city from Petersberg.

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